I got the scoop on a brand new faux meat product.
University Science and Food, a company loosely affiliated with several research universities, is set to release Mahn, a 100% certified non-GMO soy-based product. University scientists, especially those who work with cannibal tribes in the primeval South American jungles, are excited by the release of Mahn.
“I lost my best grad assistant just last month,” says Dr. Albert Willingheim, Professor of Anthropology at the University of Kansas. “If only we’d had some Mahn.”
Those who have tried Mahn report nothing but good results. “Yeah, I had some Mahn. And good thing, too,” says Dr. Thomas Newcastle, research Fellow at Yale. “So this one tribe had us tied up Han Solo/Ewok style over a fire pit. Well my back pack dropped in the flames and suddenly everything smelled like burnt skin. Next thing I know someone’s jumping in after my pack and they’re letting us go if we promise to bring more Mahn in a can.”
Mahn is the brain child of two visionaries: Glen Carson and Paul Winters, two former goths and creater of Blud. “Well, after Blud, we got to thinking ‘What’s next?’ It could only be Mahn,” says Carson.
“We got both the taste and texture down perfect using our patented formula,” added Winters.
When asked how they could be so sure, both men smile. “Blind taste tests.”
Will Mahn do well your grocer’s freezer? These two men bet yes.
Happy April Fool’s!